Recurring Sketch List Compiled by Joe Gebis and Damone To qualify for this list, a sketch must appear at least twice on the show. This list is by no means exhaustive, but it the most accurate list currently available. - Actual Items (formerly "It's Obviously True") Conan spoofs Leno's Headlines: "Look at this sale: French Fries, Italian dressing, and Nazi Germany cole slaw... this wouldn't be funny if we made it up. It's true." - Alien Corner Conan tries to reach out to new audiences: namely, aliens. - Amanda, The Psychic Cue Card Girl Amanda is a well-meaning sort who does the cue cards for the show. She claims to have the psychic ability to know what the people on the show are going to say and do before they actually do it. Ever the skeptic, Conan attributes this ability to the fact that she writes up the cue cards before the show. She also runs several profitable "Psychic Friends" phone lines on her headset. - Americlan Before Late Night, Andy was in a comedy troupe: the Americlan. They educate through improv. "Washington: And where should we be while we discuss the Constitution? Man from audience: In the inside of a washing machine! Washington: OK..." - The Amsterdam Kids One of the sketches that showed up on the Second Anniversary show as rejected sketch ideas, the kids are back. The Amsterdam kids are a teen hippie couple who are horribly misinformed about the liberal laws in Amsterdam. - "Andi" Since no one is using the studio during the day, Andy thought it would be fun to get into the daytime talkshow circuit. The affable Andy sometimes tries a little too hard to get some controversy. "A: Gentlemen, welcome. Let's get right to it. Now Conan, you're harboring a huge grudge against Max and you're going to tell everyone about it on the 'Andi' show, right? C: What are you talking about? A: You know. Max did something in your dressing room. Let him have it with both barrels here on the 'Andi' show." - Andy & Conan Taking the Desk for a Drive "It's such a nice day out... I thought we should take the desk for a drive." - Andy & Conan Walking Through NY That's all there is to it. - Andy Conveys An Emotion Most people don't realize that Andy is also a serious dramatic actor. In order to let him stretch his acting wings, they let him do these bits where he conveys an emotion, usually while having lunch at the NBC commissary. - Andy's Story Time Most people don't know that Andy also writes children's stories on the side. Andy brings in a group of children and reads from his newest selection to them. - Annoying Neighbor Conan talks to his annoying next door neighbor. We all have them, and Conan does too. - Antonio, The Guy Who Stuffs The Wrong Side Of His Pants Conan believes Antonio stuffs his pants to be more impressive to the ladies, but has done it the wrong way. Antonio denies that he stuffs his pants at all. You decide. - Audience Hygiene Conan and Andy go into the audience and clean up a few members. - Audience Requests Conan thinks its a nice gesture to grant some of the audience's requests every now and again. Ultimately, it's always a guy who wants Max and the band to play one song, in different arrangements, for the entire night. Max and the band are always more than happy to comply. - Baby Debates Conan gets two babies on the show to discuss the important issues of the day. Unfortunately, something always seems to come up. - Bad Fruit Theater Conan, trying to expand our horizons, has great plays performed. By fruit gone bad. - Band Show We know them as "the band," but now we meet them in skits. "Hi, Max the drummer. I notice you have your drum sticks... that must be because you, Max the drummer, play the drums." - Before Plastic Surgery In yet another attempt to bring information to his viewers, Conan and Andy show pictures of how celebrities used to look. - Captioning Contest Andy ran a contest for people to send in funny captions to a series of pictures. However, he didn't offer a prize or anything, so he didn't get many entries, and the entries he got weren't very good. - Cast Talent Showcase Every now and again, Conan likes to give some of the cast members a chance to show off their hidden talents that the people at home don't normally get to see. Max, also an accomplished poet, is more than happy to share his unique poesy with the audience. - Celebrity Corner "We were going to have Madonna discussing her views on crime. But we couldn't get Madonna. I was going to dress up as Madonna, but we don't have a Madonna costume. While I was in the costume room, though, I noticed this cool clown costume, so I decided to wear that. I figured, since I was in a clown costume, I would ride a unicycle and juggle. So here's Madonna, on crime..." - Celebrity Resumes Conan knows that a lot of students are just out of school and are looking for their first jobs. To help out, Conan has gotten the resumes of some of the hottest people in Hollywood to help them out by example. - Celebrity Signatures Conan meets a lot of celebs on the show, and here is where he gets to show off his collection of their signatures. "What's the point? We're all going to die. Fred Rogers" - Celebrity X-Rays Conan happens to get xrays from celebrities. While looking at them ("It's an invasion of their personal privacy, but it's entertaining, so who cares?"), we see they're really made of. - Cheer Up Conan and Andy try and cheer up a figure in the news who has been having a rough time of it lately. Recent recipients include Peter McNeely and the Cleveland Indians. - Classic Film Dubbed by Children Conan takes a clip from a classic and has little kids speak the lines. - Closed Captioning Since most of the viewers never get to see this wonderful service, Conan turns the Closed Captioning on for all viewers sometimes, and we get to see what is *really* being sent out. - Conan and Andy On The Aisle Conan and Andy discuss the qualities of different movies. - Conan and Andy Critique Art Conan and Andy take a look at all sorts of art and share their insights with us. - Conan And Andy Stare At The Stars Sometimes Conan and Andy just need to kick back and relax, and they go outside and sit on a hill, staring at the stars. - Conan Babies The first Saturday morning cartoon. Little Conan, Andy, and Max go on lots of wacky adventures. Shown only on Friday shows after midnight. - Conan's Moral Dilemma Conan is faced by a moral quandary, and so the two sides of him fight over what to do: his devil, and his bear. - Conan's Sassy Aunt Pretty much what it says. She talks to Conan all sassy-like. - Confiscated Items from Audience "All right, who brought this AK-47 into the studio? (Camera zooms in on unsuspecting audience member) Sir, you know this isn't allowed." - Continuity Errors Conan looks back at the last night's show, and because of editing, they see what the business calls "continuity errors." "Oh, I see. Before the camera went to the audience shot, your arm was fine. Now it's broken. Neat!" - David Copperfield's Magic David Copperfield comes on occasionally, and the cameras follow him around as he performs amazing magic tricks in the building and around NYC, such as the "Changing Walk Signal," and the "Conjuring Of A Can of Soda At A Coke Machine." - Cute Animal Theater Conan tests his theory that cute animals can make anything cute. They play Schindler's List, etc. - Demographic Minute Conan feels that the show isn't reaching the audience it could be, so Conan and the staff came up with these minute-long spots to appeal to certain demographic groups. These groups have included women over 60, middle-aged men, and pre-teen girls. - Dippy the Hippy Conan's friend who can make a bong out of any three items. - Dizz Dizz comes on the show and spins around. Really. That's all there is to it. You have to see it. - Easter Bunny During the rest of the year, the Easter Bunny becomes the Gossip Bunny. - Eighty Year Old Men vs Eight Year Old Boys Conan gets a group of eighty year old men (the White Stockings on the baseball field, the Golden Seals on the skating rink) and eight year old boys (the Turbo Ninjas) to play different sports. Somehow, it always seems to break out into a fight. This skit is the first to use the name of an alt.fan.conan-obrien'er as the name of a character! Congratulations to Al Bell, whose name was used as that of the umpire. "White Stockings! White Stockings!! WHITE STOCKINGS!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha !" - Emergency Guest Whenever a guest cancels or disappears right before the show, Conan breaks the glass and pulls out the Emergency Guest, turns him on, and fills the spot. Sometimes Conan has to resort break out the "Emergency Emergency Guests:" Tony Randall, Rip Taylor, Nipsey Russell... "I am the Emergency Guest for Late Night with Conan O'Brien. There is no need to panic." - Episodes on Cassette Now you can enjoy Conan all over again, in the convenient format of audio cassettes! Dramatically read by celebrities for effect. "The crowd was hanging on Conan's every word. Millions of people watching, and yet Conan showed no fear. He looked directly into the camera, and said with a charming grin, 'We'll be right back after this commercial.'" - Frances, The NBC Censor Like every other TV show on network televsion, Conan has a network censor who sits in on the show to bleep out any inappropriate language. "Late Night" has Frances, but she can't understand what Conan says too well. - Funny, Funny Joe Funny, funny Joe comes on the show and does whatever he needs to to retain his title of funny, funny Joe. - Gargoyles These two gargoyles got kicked off of their last building and need a place to stay. Conan lets them perch on his balcony, but their obnoxious behavior usually gets them kicked off again. - Gaseous Weiner First seen as one of the lesser-known mascots for collegiate athletic teams, the Gaseous Weiner is just that. Use your imagination. He now appears regularly and performs duties like brining out the card with the next night's guests. - Guess The Pattern Conan brings up cards with a series of four pictures, and Andy has to guess what the pattern is. "A community college's admissions standards, the Great Plains, the '96 Presidential Race, and Madonna... These are things that are more and more wide open." - Guiness Book Of Records Conan flips through the Guiness Book of World Records, and he and members of the staff try and break them on the air to get some publicity for the show. - Guy Smoking a Cigarette as Fast as he Possibly Can I couldn't describe it better than that. - Guys that Makes Fun of Conan's Name "Conan... the librarian. Where's your books and stuff?" - Hats from Fans "Conan: As you may know, I collect hats. Here's some the viewers have sent in... the first one's from 'Tom's Meats,' and, as you can see, it's made from ham and bacon." - Heroic Scotsmen Some of Conan's newest characters. Inspired by the success of such movies like "Braveheart" and "Rob Roy," a group of heroic Scotsmen barge in, harangue Conan about freedom, offer to die for him, and eventually give him the little blue card with tomorrow's guest, before storming off for a smoke. It looks like they have made their last appearance on the show as well, vowing to return when "Braveheart" comes out on video. - If They Mated Conan's favorite segment. Using space-age computer technology, Conan merges celebrities to see what their childs would look like, if they mated. "This isn't supposed to be funny. This is information." - The Incompetent Heckler The most incompetent heckler in the world stands up and berates Conan badly. "Heyyyy Cone-Annn! What is that you're sitting behind? A *DESK*?" - Instant Network Feedback Ron Benjamin, NBC mover and shaker, came up with this idea. In order to foster a more direct and instant feedback between the network and the show, Ron sits in a box on the bottom of the screen and gives commentary to Conan as he does a comedy bit during the show. Conan doesn't like this much at all. "Conan, Conan! The piece is DOA. It's dead. Bury it. Move on. I love what you're doing here, though." - Interview Hints Everyone always asks Conan how he knows what to ask his guests during the interview segments. Well now Conan shows us with close-ups of the guys in his desk that help him out. - In the Year 2000 Conan and Andy present their vision of the future. - Ira, Conan's Publicist Every now and then, Conan calls up Ira to see what he's paying him for. - Kiss-Ass Turkey Conan's turkey, in an attempt to not be eaten, tries to get on Conan's good side. "Comedy! Thy name is Conan!" - Krunk It's the swear word so new, the censors don't know whether to bleep it or not. Some times when it's inappropriate to use "our dirty friend, krunk:" when getting presents from your grandmother. "Thanks, krunky!" - Lakewood Andy's side project. It is a soap opera about a group of people who all just happen to be gay. - Last Night's Show Conan: "Remember last night's show?" Andy: "Well, I remember it more like this..." Max: "No, you're both wrong. It was more like this." - Last Time on Conan O'Brien... We see highlight's of last night's show. For some reason, it always looks more like a soap opera or James Bond movie than anyone remembers. - Late Night Behind The Scenes Conan realises that most viewers aren't insiders in the television business, and so he gives us these insights into certain aspects of the show, such as stage manager's hand signals. - Late Night Bloopers Everyone loves blooper tapes, but when the staff went over the blooper reel for the last two years, most of the mistakes were pathetic and unfunny. To make up for this, Conan does a string of funny bloopers at the start of the show to make up for two years worth of bloopers, tallied by a counter in the corner of the screen. "Did you see the way the pictures just feel off the wall? That was wacky!" - Late Night For Kids "Late Night" has decided to reach out to the younger viewers with this bit on the show. Sketches for children are performed by two performers in Conan and Andy suits. However, the Andy suit is poorly ventilated. The Conan and Andy suits have shown up in other sketches as well. - Late Night Hospitality Robot As a service to the show and its guests, Late Night recently got a Hospitality Robot, which pulls around a little cart with drinks and refreshments. He even delivers the card with tomorrow night's guests on occasion. However, it gets quite testy when people don't want its help... - Late Night Lottery In an attempt to give something to the studio audience, Conan and Andy give away fabulous prizes to one lucky studio audience member, However, it always turns out to be a star. - Late Night Phone Lines Like many shows, Conan has decided to leave the phone lines open during the show. Here we hear what people have had to contribute thus far in the show. - Late Night Presents: You Be the Host We get a chance to see how we would do in the position of late-night TV talk show host. - Late Night Spirituals Most people are unaware that a whole new genre of music has developed behind the scenes at the show. To educate the world on this new musical form, Conan allows members of the cast and crew to sing selections of "Late Night Spirituals." - Late Night With Conan O'Brien Secret Decoder Rings Conan likes to do things for the kids. He gave out LNwCOB Secret Decoder Rings to all the kids who sent in for them, and every once in a while, at the top of the show, he gives out secret messages to the kids. They usually result in the kids doing things like shaving the cat or his own head, setting the house on fire, etc. - Laughing Genie Conan was under contract to make five new characters a year. To fill his quota, he made the Laughing Genie, who basically would just laugh. - Lenny Bruce of China, Wo Lee Pi A popular comedian in China that can't speak any English. He's been described by many as "The Lenny Bruce of China." - Lever of Tragedy He doesn't want to have to do it, but it's his job. Whenever he pulls it, something bad happens. - Little Kid that Nobody Loves, Billy Tyler Billy Tyler is the little kid that everyone seems to hate. Except, of course, for Conan. "Conan: That's OK, Billy. I don't hate you. Billy: But I hate you! You're a loser." - The Loser This guy is a Loser wherever he goes: the beach, the ski slopes, etc. Armed with hard boiled eggs and unfounded optimism, he sets outs to make friends, but usually ends up being mauled by a bear. - Moths A pair of moths come on, and in between rubbing their antennae on Conan, tell him how much they love his show. Skeptical Conan believes that they only like his show because it is just a source of light. - Name That Tune Andy tries to guess what the song is. "I know that... it's 'You've Lost that Lovin' Stairway to Heaven.'" - New Nipsey Russell Conan is worried that we may soon lose the greatest living American poet: Nipsey Russell. To shore up the country in the face of this loss, Conan has begun to train his successor: the New Nipsey Russell. Initially flattered, Nipsey has grown hostile to his new replacement, who has problems with things like rhyming and meter. "Nipsey Russell: Rose are red, violets are blue, the real Nipsey Russell says, 'Conan, screw you!'" - New Sponsors Conan knows that some people think it's a bad idea, but he needs the money. "This week's sponsor is Edi-beard. It's the new beard that you can eat!" - The Nicknamer His job is to give people nicknames. "Conan, your nickname will be 'Slim,' because you are tall and slim. Andy, your nickname will be 'Slim,' because your chances of staying on the show are slim. Max, your nickname will be 'Slim,' because your drumsticks are slim." - Old Man and Baby (Changing Months) Just as there is a Baby New Year and Old Man Old Year for New Year's Day, there are similar people for each month. They help Conan welcome in the new month. - Old Woman in a Soundproof Booth That's what it is. - Ouija Board Conan and Andy whip out this key to celestial knowledge to ask about important questions of the day. - Pascal the Ant "Pascal: Conan! Hey Conan! Conan: Oh... look, everyone, it's Pascal. P: Conan, I have a few new jokes I would like to... C: Pascal, I've told you: we're not really looking to hire any new writers right now, and... P: Right, right. Well, I'll just... here, listen to these..." He tries so hard. - The People's Scientist, Ray Burns He comes on and lets people know how the world works. "Invisible rays shoot out from everyone's belly button!" - Pervascope Conan uses the telescope on his set to look at the apartments in the building next to his. We get a look inside the lives of famous celebrities. - Phone Calls From Keith Richards Keith loves the show, but sometimes has some criticism. "...that part, when the bird clawed his way out of your chest, and flew around the room... that was scary." - Pimpbot 5000 He combines the sensiblities of a 1970's street pimp with the technology of a 1950's robot. He's Pimpbot 5000, and he keeps trying to "turn out" Conan's guests and collect on favors Conan owes him. - Poet that Always Scares Conan A street poet comes on and talks of truth. He scares Conan, who runs away. - Polly the NBC Peacock NBC's cute spokesanimal talks about upcoming shows on NBC, and tells us what's on the other channels. "The Olympics? Cancelled. And anyway, it's in Spanish!" - Practice Punching Someone In The Face Channel It's one of the most popular new channels on cable TV. People are shown, and, after a countdown, you can practice punching them out. Guests have included an Amish man, Jerry Seinfeld, David Copperfield, Tim Conway, Robin Leech, the Smothers Brothers, and Larry King. - Public Service Announcements Conan and the other members of the cast were asked to contribute to the "Now You Know" series of PSAs that NBC is producing. We get to see their efforts first. "Andy: If you're a talk show sidekick, and you don't like what a guest is saying: play it safe. Wait until they're not looking and spit in their mug. You'll be glad you did." - Reagan on the Phone "Floobidy Floo. Flee Flow. Flooo." - Andy Richter: On Location Andy gets sent out with a camera crew to cover events in the city, like the Cigar-Lovers Dinner, Woodstock '94, and the premier of Pochahontas in Central Park. - Right Side/Wrong Side Conan and Andy discuss the moot issues of the day. "As always, I'll argue the right side: against grave robbing. You, Andy, will argue that wrong side: for grave robbing." - Robby the Assistant Robby the Assistant tries to help Conan, but he always seems to misunderstand. "Conan: When you suggested getting rid of the theme song, I replied, 'Junk that stupid idea,' not 'Dunk that Cupid in Sangria.' Robby: Oh moan, villain am I! I've failed you once again!" - Robert Vaughn Asking Guests Questions From the Audience "Conan: I see someone in our audience has a question... Robert Vaughn: At night, when you're all alone, do you feel it? Does it get to you? Can you feel your heart being eaten from the inside out?" - Scary Raymond Raymond was introduced right before the start of 1996 as one of the new characters for the year. He's a psycho with a specific kink: he stalks drummers. Currently, he has taken a liking to Max and can be found skulking around behind Max's drum kit. - Schoolchildren's Art Every so often, the show gets tours of school children who come to spend a day. After they visit, they send in the pictures they drew of their experiences that day. - Security Cameras Conan and Andy take a look at the overnight tapes from the security cameras in the studio. - See & Say You align the pointer, pull the string, and it emits words of wisdom. - Skull Juice The Skull Juice Vendor comes on stage, and crushes his skull to produce skull juice for the guest. - The Silent Movie Actor, Pucky Littlechap He's a famous actor who has been in many silent movies. Unfortunately, he can't seem to get out of them. - Slim Organbody He goes around the country educating children about their bodies. Unfortunately, he's got a few problems of his own to work out. He's a parody of Slim Goodbody, from Captain Kangaroo. - Sir Ceril Harding, the World's Oldest Secret Agent At 94 years old, he's still battling Dr. No. Those old guys can still duke it out, though. - New Stamps Conan and Andy have a special inside source at the post office, and we get to see the new commemorative stamps before they hit the street. "The Many Emotions of Robert Dole Series," "The Euphemisms For Sex Series," etc. - St. Patrick's Day Hair Every holiday has a cute character. St. Patrick's Day has a big hair. - Staring Contest Sometimes Conan and Andy kill a little empty time with a staring contest. You can blink, but the first person that looks away loses. Sometimes the strangest stuff shows up on the set, and it always seems to show up right behind Conan during the staring contest. - Streaker "Oh no! The streaker's back! And he brought his girlfriend! I thought I specifically told security: no streakers at today's show." He recently made his last appearance on the show. - Syncro-vox (Lips on the Television) Somehow, Conan always gets the big-name guests first. - Things That Look Like Me Conan shows off different things that look like him, like a troll with big red hair. - Things We Didn't Get To Make Fun Of Conan and Andy think about missed opportunities, like Bush throwing up in Japan. - Todd, The Guy Who Refuses To Accept The Fact Conan's Not Gay Originally introduced during the Second Anniversary show as one of the sketch ideas that didn't make it, Todd has become a regular feature. It's simple: Todd won't accept the fact that Conan is straight, no matter what he does. "Todd: Hey Conan, you want to go clubbing after the show? Conan: As I've told you before, I'm not gay. Todd: Riight." - Tomorry Williamson the Ostrich Tomorry comes on, runs around, and lays an egg that contains the names of tomorrow's guests. - Triumph: The Insult Comic Dog This is a cigar-chomping, Yugoslavian Mountain Hound whose talent is as an insult comic. He finds everything on Conan's show wonderful... for him to poop on! - Twenty Years Ago / Thirty Years From Now On Late Night Conan takes a look at what was on the show this date twenty years ago. Alternatively, Conan looks at what will be on the show thirty years in the future. "All hail Thraxor, Dimensional Overlord!" - Undelivered Mail The Post Office loses pieces of mail every now and again. What most people don't know is that they save these letters. Conan gets his hands on some of them and shares them with the audience. "Dear Mr. Fuhrman, Enclosed is the medicine that will help you control your Tourette's Syndrome." - Unretouched Photos Most people don't know that many famous photos in history were actually retouched from their original versions. Conan shows us what they really looked like originally. - Ventriloquist Choir Conan has a bunch of ventriloquists come on and sing wonderful songs in the voices of angels. - Viewer Mail Actually letters that Conan has written to viewers. - What Is It? Andy's favorite segment. They show super closeups of everyday items, and Andy guesses what it is. - Who Would Win? Conan and Andy discuss who would win in a fight between famous people. - Willie, The Upside Down Guy The newest in the string of people to bring out the card with tomorrow's guests. Willie walks around and performs amazing stunts while walking on his hands until Conan takes the card with tomorrow's guests out of his pocket before he passes out. - Yap Speed We get to see famous speeches in a whole new way: at twice the normal speed. - Year-Round Carolers Carolers aren't just for Christmas anymore.