ABSTRACT: Wednesday, August 16th, 1995 "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" #447 ============================================================================== ANNOUNCER: 'Hey! Guess what? I'm phoning this in on my car phone! Boy, this is the life! [Sounds of car crash.] MONOLOGUE --------- - There is a new breakthrough at the OJ Trial. Both sides came to an agreement: Judge Ito can stay on the bench, but his beard has to go. - In the South Carolina Senate race, a Republican candidate said that 92 year-old Strom Thurmond is too old and should step down. Thurmond responded, 'What? Speak up!' - Scientists say Chessie, the 1200 lb sea cow, has been sighted off of New England. Either that, or Ted Kennedy went swimming again. WALKOVER MUSIC: Jailhouse Rock DESK BIT -------- Synchro-Vox Apologies: The Japenese Prime Minister recently issued the first formal apology for World War II. This has spurred a wave of apologies by prominent figures who have decided to all apologise for misdeeds on the show. - Senator Bob Packwood: Bob says he'd like to apologise to every woman he tried to violate without any luck during his Senate career. He proceedes to begin reading a long list of women when Conan cuts him off. - Hugh Grant: Hugh comes on and stumblingly apologises for apologising so much on talk shows. He gets frustrated as he apologises for his apologies, and keeps on apologising for persisting in doing it. - Senator Bob Dole: [Bob says, 'Let's get to it carrot-top.' Conan relies, 'Carrot-top? Screw you.'] Bob apologises for all the names he is going to call Bill Clinton in the next two years. He proceedes to give the list, including 'Wussy boy,' 'Sax-sucking, womanizing, whitewater rafting, mama's boy,' and 'Whino Nose,' before Conan cuts him off. - Anna Nicole Smith: She apologises for trying to have sex with her husband because he would have lived a couple months longer if she didn't. - Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley-Jackson: Michael apologises to Anna Nicole and her husband's family for trying to buy her husband's remains. [Lisa Marie: 'It's a shame. He would have made a great lamp.'] - Seantor Packwood: Comes back on still reading from his list. - Joey Lawrence: He apologises in advance for his new show, 'Brotherly Love.' [Joey: 'It's really gonna suck.'] - Conan's Dad [The picture is of a semi-scowling Conan with greyed hair]: Conan's dad apologises for Conan's freckles, pasty white skin, and wide head. [Conan's dad: 'I pray you have the strength and wisdom not to have children of your own.'] - Judge Ito: He quietly apologises for getting emotional the other day. He gets worked up when hs wife is involved. He breaks down crying. - OJ Simpson: He says, 'Um, nevermind,' then leaves. - Johny Cochraine: After babbeling about a 'blockbuster piece of evidence,' he says he wants to apologise for being such an arrogant little [krunk]. [NOTE: The bleeped word was obviously 'shit.'] - Senator Packwood: Still reading from his list. - Charles Grodin: He wants to apologise in advance for the interview because he's going to give Conan a hard time. He says he is tired of doing the smart-ass stuff, so he's just going to make farting noises with his mouth, which he does. [NOTE: It does not appear that it was Grodin doing his own lips.] [BUMPER: NYC Skyline] (commercial) [BUMPER: Desk from window in back of set] GUEST: Charles Grodin (CNBC Talkshow host, actor) ------------------------------------------------- - Before he sits down, Charles says that he didn't know about himself being in the Synchro-vox bit, and said that it wasn't very physically flattering. He said in 30 years of being in entertainment, he has never made noises like that. He said he's very upset, but he's still going to go on with the interview. - Still standing, he says that he doesn't know people in a late night audience and wants to get to know them. He sends an NBC page with a microphone to interview people. He goes to a member named Wes, and questions him on his audience experience. Charles asks him to laugh, and Wes gives a weak laugh. Charles wants someone else. The page goes to a woman, Roseanne. She gives a more boistrous laugh. Charles brings her down for him during the interview. She will laugh for him if no one else will. [BUMPER: Desk shot] (commercial) [BUMPER: Band] - Charles says the first good thing happened during the commercial break. He points to Mark 'Love Man' Pender, the trumpet player, and tells him to do the thing he was doing during the break. Mark starts doing a wild dance and clapping. - Charles says he is still upset. [He looks at Roseanne, who laughs.] He said he had to test her out. - Conan asks Charles if he is worried about ratings. Charles says he is into bonuses. [Looks at Roseanne. She laughs.] - Charles says he wants to congradulate Conan on something, but can't think of what. Conan offers 'having a show at all.' Charles congradulates him on that. [He looks at Roseanne. She laughs.] - Charles asks why Conan has stiffened up since he was announced to host the show four years ago because you're supposed to loosen up. [Looks at Roseanne. She laughs.] - Charles then takes over and gives his own outcue. [BUMPER: Max] (commercial) [BUMPER: Conan in Warhol painting] BIT: Intermission Conan announces that there will now be a short intermission. He and Andy walk off and the audinece gets up and stretches. [Cut: A theater lobby (the front of the stage). Two ladies talking, holding 'Playbills' for 'Late Night.'] First Lady: I saw this play in London. The cast was much better. Second Lady: The actor who played Charles Grodin seemed to forget half his lines. First Lady: He's the understudy. [Third Lady enters.] Third Lady: Of course, there's a line. I'll just have to hold it in. [Cut: Woman and Man at concession stand in the lobby.] Woman: Do you think Conan's desk represents anything? Man: Stability in a world of chaos? Woman: [laughs] Sometimes a desk is just a desk. [Cut to old couple in the lobby.] Old Man: It's just a bunch of guys screaming and laughing like baboons. This is not art. Old Woman: Hush, it's good for you. Old Man: I missed the ballgame for this? [Cut to backstage. Jimmy and Max are chatting. Andy and Conan are in bathrobes. Andy's got a bottle of booze.] C: For God's sake, pull yourself together! You're a professional! A: I'm a whore! I'm a drunken, old whore! C: You've performed hammered hundreds of times. Now come on: go out there and be Andy Richter! A: I don't want to be Andy Richter! I wanna be me! [He breaks down crying into Conan's arms. Andy slugs some booze while Conan starts smoking a pipe.] [Cut: Two Ladies in the lobby] First Lady: Well, look at this. It's based on a true-life story of an Irish boy. Second Lady: I find that hard to believe. No one's life is this tragic. [BUMPER: Third Lady comes rushing out of bathroom] (commercial) [BUMPER: Max] Guest: Don Was ('Brian Wilson: I Just Wasn't Made For These Times.') -------------------------------------------------------------------- - [Clip from movie about writing 'Good Vibrations'] - Conan said how people from his generation and younger have no real appreciation for Brian Wilson. Don talked about his complex song composition and his studio work. - Conan told a story about how Iggy Pop left a room Wilson was in once because Wilson was 'too weird' for him. Don said Wilson was the most enigmatic person he ever met. - Conan talked about Wilson approaching pop music in a completely different way. Don told about how Wilson sometimes wrote music by making geometric shapes with his hands and putting them on the keyboard and using that as the chords. - Conan talked about how Don had worked with all these famous people and asked if they ever left messages on his machine or anything like that. Don said he checked his messages right before the show and Keith Richards left a message apologising for a fax he sent Don. - Conan said he was dissappointed. He didn't want Keith to know how to use a fax. - Don said he saw the show last night [where the did the 'Call From Keith Richards' skit] and said that that was a reasonably close representation of Keith. - Conan asked if Don was ever intimidated by these famous people. Don said he was, but they are paying him a lot of money, so he got over it. - The turning point came when he was working with Bob Dylan and George Harrison, who were recording a song. After they were done, Harrison asked him how it was, and Harrison's guitar was out of tune. Don told Harrison, and they did another, improved take. - Conan asked if Don had gotten to the point where he could correct these people easily. Don said rock stars are rebellious, so you try not to tell them what to do, just find out what they want, and get them to that point. - Conan asked if Don understood Brian Wilson now, or if he was beyond understanding. Don said he knows a lot more about him now, but he's beyond real understanding. - Conan asked if Wilson was happy now. Don said he is energized and more eager to make music now than he had been in a long time. [BUMPER: Desk] (commercial) [BUMPER: NYC skyline] MUSICAL GUEST: Trumpetier Chris Brodie w/ Edie Brickel (sp?) on vocals performing 'I Won't Miss You Anymore' from 'First Wish' [BUMPER: Conan, Edie, and Chris on stage] (commercial) [BUMPER: Band and audience] Goodnight everybody... CREDITS SPLIT SCREEN: Conan, Andy, Edie, and Chris at desk. (end) [PRODUCTION NOTES: During the one bumper right after the Intermission bit, it is obvious that the 'Women's Room' isn't a restroom, but either the 'Green Room,' or another control room.] Want to help out writing abstracts? Write to: hgambill@rbdc.rbdc.com You can find these capsules at: http://styx.ios.com/~damone/gcapsules.html And also at: http://www.rbdc.com/~hgambill/conan.htm FTP them at: ftp://joeshaw.bevc.blacksburg.va.us/pub/conan/abstracts Damone damone@ios.com SLACKER A-GO-GO: http://styx.ios.com/~damone/gogo.html